041

Tuesday morning came around and I dragged myself out of bed, quickly checking my phone, nothing. I got ready for the day and headed out to my appointment with the psychiatrist. "It's nice to meet you Avery, please have a seat," the older man said pointing to the over sized black leather couch. I sat down and smiled at him before my eyes wandered to all of his degrees hanging so proudly on his walls. "What brings you in today?" he asked crossing his legs setting a clipboard on his knee. "I'm just not myself anymore, I've been in this funk ever since December and I can't get out of it, and I'm tired of pretending like I'm okay." "Did anything happen in December to set this off?" Wow he really wants me to jump right in doesn't he? "I had a miscarriage," I said just above a whisper lowering my eyes to his clipboard, I watched as he scribbled away. We talked for the next forty minutes, about almost everything, Sidney, my brother, Max, my parents, the brewery. "Well Avery, I have every reason to believe that you have the symptoms of bi-polar. I want to try and put you on some medication and have you come back in a month to see if we've stabilized your moods," he explained to me pulling out a prescription pad. Bi-polar? No I'm not bi-polar! "There is one thing about this prescription though, it can make you very, very sick if you drink alcohol." My eyes grew wide. No more beer?!

'Meet me at the bar at noon.' I looked down at my watch and it was already noon and I was some twenty miles from the brewery. 'Just left the docs be there as soon as I can.' I responded. I jumped in my car and quickly made my way to the brewery. I walked inside and saw Colby sitting at the bar with two beers. "Ah beer, my last one," I smiled quickly taking a sip. "Last one? What?" he asked shocked. "Bi-polar. He said I'm bi-polar and he's putting me on meds, and if I drink I guess I get violently ill," I explained to him. "Oh wow, well then drink up." After a few moments Colby finally spoke up, "Sidney told me everything. He's pretty damn pissed off, and have you seen Max lately?" My head dropped and I played with my fingers, "no I haven't seen him since Friday." "He's got a nice little shiner thanks to Sid." "WHAT?!" I almost jumped off the stool. Sid punched Max? "Yeah, Max came over last night after their little confrontation and he said he completely deserved it. But Sidney . . . I have never seen him like this before. He is so confused. He's unsure of everything. I think he just feels like someone stole something from him, that someone touched something sacred to him. It's like his sticks before games, no one can touch them, NO ONE. Your his golden stick." "I'm not an object though, I don't know what to do Colby," I sighed taking another swig of my beer. "Just give him time and space, he'll come around. If you were just some girl, you'd be out of his life already, but your not just some girl. Your his girl. It's going to suck, but you just need to sit and wait this one out," he smiled and I knew he was right.

As I was driving home I turned my iPod on to some ABBA, I needed something bubbly in my life at that moment. "Take a chance on me," I whispered to myself along with the music. I heard my phone beeping in my purse and quickly pulled it out. One new message, I flipped the phone open, Sidney. 'What did the doctor say?' Not what I wanted to hear from him, but it's a start. 'Bi-polar, he put me on some meds for it.' I replied. I pulled into my driveway and it became obvious that he wasn't going to message me back. Well at least he still cares about me to ask what the doctor said. I didn't know what to do with myself, there was nothing I wanted to watch, I wasn't hungry, I just sat on the couch starring at the front door, just hoping he would walk through.

Another week flew by and still nothing from Sidney. My body was filled with fear as the realization that Sidney moved on from me set in, we never went for more than twelve hours talking to each other, now it's been a week. Colby was right though, I needed to give him his space and time. I headed to the brewery and as temping as the beer looked I knew better. The previous night I had three beers, and then I spent the rest of the night in the bathroom throwing up. The doctor was right, no more drinking. I didn't do a whole lot once in my office, just occasionally throwing a ball against the wall. It was getting pretty late, and since nothing was accomplished and nothing was going to get accomplished I headed home. My heart nearly stopped when I saw Sidney's car in the driveway. I felt like running away, but he had to be there for a reason. I slowly opened the door to see him sitting on the couch watching TV, watching Fraggle Rock. "Hi," I whispered setting my purse down on the table. He patted his hand on the couch next to him and I sat down. He turned the TV off and turned to look at me. "We're leaving tomorrow," he said searching deep into my eyes. "Who's leaving?" "You and I, we're going to Seattle. I need what we had in Halifax and in Ireland, I need to know that it's still there. The only way I feel like we can do that is to get out of this city. Get out of our elements. I want to forgive you Avery, I do, but I need that feeling, I need those emotions back." "And going to Seattle will help with that?" I asked confused. "I like to think it will, but I don't know. I just feel betrayed." I looked down at my fingers and he lifted my chin up with his fingers. "I'm so sorry Sidney. I am so, so sorry," I whispered as tears fell from my eyes. "I know you are, Max is too. I'm just angry, and I don't know who or what to focus my anger on." I nodded my head. "If you should be angry with anyone it should be with me. I lost your trust, I was stupid and alcohol got the best of me." "Max said you were drinking tequila. You don't drink tequila," he said raising his eyebrows knowing that something was going on in my mind that night. "When Scott showed up, it was just weird, it didn't feel right. He left a year ago, just got up and left, moved to Russia. Then all of a sudden he's on my doorstep asking for a box of his. It was weird. I wanted to forget about him so I drank tequila, hoping it would clear my mind, but that was a stupid decision on my part." Sidney pulled me into a hug and got up off the couch. "Our flight leaves at ten tomorrow morning, so I will pick you up at eight," he said before leaving.

I made my way into my room and was making more of a mess than packing my things. How long are we going to be there? I looked in my closet and could only laugh, his side was so organized, with everything hung up going from shorts up to suit jackets. I looked at my side and it was the complete opposite. Only a few things hung up, and the rest half folded on the ground. I began to think back to the night he first brought his things over, and then my phone rang. "Hi mom," I tried to smile into the phone. "Hello darling, we are very exciting you and Sidney are coming out here, I didn't think you guys would have time in your schedule to come out here." "I didn't think we did either," I said flatly. "Avery, what's wrong?" I took a deep breath, I knew there was no way around my mom. "Sidney kind of temporarily moved out, we're only heading out there to try and fix our relationship." "Avery, what happened?" The tone of my mother's voice was one of worry, something I hadn't heard in a very long time. "It's not important, the thing that is important is that I don't lose him. I can't lose him mom." I'm getting sick of crying. "Okay well we will see you tomorrow when you stop by to get the keys." "Keys?" Did he honestly talk my parents into using the vacation house? "Yes, to the house in Snoqualmie," she laughed. "Oh okay, see you tomorrow mom, bye." I hung up the phone and turned all my attention back to my clothes. They don't let ANYONE use that house.

I sat on my bed starring at my clock, watching the minutes dwindle away. When it hit 7:59 AM there was a knock on the door. I walked out and opened the door. "Why did you knock?" I asked confused. He looked at me and tilted his head. "I don't know actually, things are just weird, I thought it would be weird if I just walked in." Fair enough. I went to walk away but he grabbed my hand pulling me into him. He didn't say anything, just simply placing a very gentle kiss on my lips. "Ready?" he asked and I grabbed my suitcase, which he quickly took from me. I smiled and we went out to his car. "So how long are we going to be there for?" I asked as I climbed into the passenger seat. "I didn't book a return flight, so I don't know. I would like to spend my birthday in Pittsburgh though," he explained. "That's two weeks away, we should be back by then. Have you thought about what you want to do for your birthday?" "I don't know yet, I had it all planned out in my mind a few weeks ago, but that has since changed." Fuck. I dropped my head and the rest of the ride to the airport was silent.

My nerves were already getting to me, it wasn't just the flying that I was worried about, it was the coming days with Sidney as well. "Did you bring your Valium?" "Yeah, I only have enough for the flight there though, I'm just going to have to suck it up on the way home," I laughed nervously. "Home come you didn't take any on the flight to Halifax?" "That's a short flight, anything under three hours I'm usually pretty good to go, more than that it's bad news," I smiled just as they called for us to board the plane. We buckled in and my heart was racing. I didn't want to take the Valium in fear of what I would say to Sidney, but when the plane started to make it's way to the runway, I had no choice, I had to take it. I must have looked like an idiot, I kept my hand over my mouth trying not to talk. My mind was spinning and there were so many things I wanted to say, but I was too scared to say them. Sidney took advantage of my drugged induced state of mind. "Why did you do it Avery? Why Max?" I slowly withdrew my hand from my face and looked up at him. "He's always teasing me, making sexual references. I was drunk, he was drunk, I was missing you and I was curious. For a moment when I looked at him on the couch, I thought it was you, I wasn't in my right mind," I replied looking for a response from him, but his face was blank. "Sidney . . . I hate myself." My eyelids were getting heavy and my head rolled back onto the chair. "I can't live with myself knowing I did that to you," my words were just above a whisper and I was struggling to say the right thing. I felt him kiss my forehead and I fell asleep.